"If the boxing ring catches fire then both boxers co-operate to extinguish the flames."

Edward De Bono's "Conflict" is an excellent but elusive book.

It addresses conflict in De Bono's lateral thinking way and is therefore freed from the conventions that restrict much thinking within conflict situations.

The writing is packed with ideas, metaphors, suggestions and starting positions. Sometimes the ideas are almost throwaway one-liners, like the title to this article. Sometimes De Bono kicks an idea around for a paragraph or two before before moving on.

Other writers would probably lavish a whole chapter on individual ideas in this book but De Bono just keeps moving on, seemingly content to let us ponder the implications and logical progressions for ourselves.

So, to the burning boxing ring then. A wonderfully absurd graphic image and one I hope that will stick in the mind.

As a metaphor it raises the concept of externalising conflict. Once the boxing ring has caught fire the boxers realise that they are not in a fight between themselves. Instead they are but two out of three elements within that struggle, namely Boxer #1, Boxer #2 and the arena in which the fight is being held.

The illusion of being wrapped up within the fight is shattered once attention is drawn to the Arena itself. What we see is the Boxers then collaborating to address the fire.

Very often I will draw client's attention to the fact that they could well be behaving in a certain fashion towards their spouses or partners as a result of currently having to operate within a litigious or courtroom arena. That can then lead them to recall how they used to address each other, or recall better times they had shared in different environments.

What happens once the fire has been extinguished? It would be hard to imagine the fight continuing. Would the Boxers just walk away, or maybe go through the motions of a fight but without the same passion? After all, there will still be the paying audience, our cheering supporters, who have their own expectations of us and we might feel a need to play to the galleries in that regard.

How would it work if we entertained the metaphorical notion of deliberately setting light to the boxing ring. In other words what can we do to draw the attention of the protagonists away from the all consuming combat and to create awareness within them of the environment in which they are working through this conflict?

Of course all of this could be a fallacy. Who is to say that the Boxers, so consumed by their conflict would not continue to duke it out to a knockout and then hotfoot it from what is left of the burning stadium? But then who said these ideas need to be true? All we need sometimes is a suitably ridiculous image to be aware of how we might be responding to conflict and how we might be acting up to the conventions of the arena we are in.

"...but conflict feels so good!"

I was talking last weekend with a friend about this stuff - conflict, dispute management, a new approach and the like. Very often, such discussions address a perceived futility in trying to change our ways or learn a new approach. But this discussion was different.

Mike pointed out, quite rightly, "But conflict feels so good."

And he was right. Conflict feels good at the point we are in it.

In the book "Mediating Dangerously" there is an excellent quote about people being seduced by conflict. Another quote I came across on the point is this "Speak when you are angry and it will be the best speech you ever regret."

What is the point being made here?

When we are wound up in conflict we often try to suppress our responses to it until we feel that the provocation has got too much and then we go ballistic.

I have had plenty of clients with whom I have been able to work calmly and constructively. And then that phone call comes in. It is the "Right, that does it" moment and the whole demeanour of the client has changed from peaceful problem solving to "Let them have it."

Sometimes it is I myself who has the "That does it moment" and I'll dictate some stupid letter which then gets erased or modified drastically before being sent out. But it feels good to dictate it.

The recognition that it feels good is actually a useful stance. It recognises that "Conflict" is an external influence, that is to say that we are being affected by the power of this thing called conflict. If we can keep ourselves separate from the conflict we are currently experiencing then we can better identify what feelings and motives are our own, and which are the ones we are being tricked or seduced into feeling.

The other aspect of this "Good feeling" lies, I think, in the dominant role of conflict within TV and films. Conflict is everywhere on TV and in popular culture. When we succumb to that "That does it" feeling I wonder to what extent we are falling into roles that we anticipate or we see around.

This is perhaps illustrated by the comment made by many clients "But I am supposed to hate my husband/wife/ex-partner."

I'll come back to the concept of conflict as a separate entity repeatedly. It is a very useful device within conflict management. In the meantime watch out that you don't get seduced by the illusionary good feeling that conflict offers.